Short Fiction #2
They say New York City did a lot to get rid of the homeless. From the reception we got at the Delta terminal at LaGuardia, it was all massive fraud perpetrated on the public. I was panhandled 26 times on the way to the baggage claim alone and I will not even go into the horrible details of what will happen to you if you happen to stray into a bathroom. It’s much too horrible to speak of, even for a babbling, insane person like myself.
Everyone, outside of New York anyway, used to think that they just shipped their homeless to New Jersey. Well, from what I saw at the airport, they kept the dust in-house, but under the rug. Although I have to admit that LaGuardia makes a lousy rug to hide dust under. No matter though, for we were finally in New York. I don’t remember much of the flight, other than Jay mumbling something about his headphones not being as tasty as the last time he flew. I wisely ignored him and made sure I took two doses of Ambien. If it’s good enough for the State Department, by God it was good enough for me. But now I’m going backwards.
After my adventure, of which we will not speak, in the men’s room and getting my luggage (which was oh so carefully handled by the crack team of 10ft tall security robots with laser cannons for eyes – who are crudely referred to as “Delta Force.” Of course, we were flying Delta.) we decided to wait for Ryan, so we could split the cab ride three ways. I was against this plan, for no other reason than we have already established that I hated Ryan at this point. But Jay was insistent that we wait. “Fine, we’ll wait…but he’ll get your kidneys first, you savage!” There was no way I was going to get sliced and dumped first, but I knew I was no match for Jay either. This was clearly another sign of my deepening insanity – going on a trip with, not one, but two people who could easily dismember me.
Right as the Ambien fog was starting to lift, Ryan showed up and we embarked on what I can honestly say was the most boring cab ride I have ever taken. Was my feeble mind still clouded by the double dose of Ambien or was New York really just a grey blur with occasional streak of graffiti? Either way, we would all soon need alcohol.
