How To Win The War
This is from "Have I Ever Lied To You?" by Art Buchwald
The debate on Vietnam has been escalating along with the fighting, and now it's rare to go to a party and not get into a hot fight over what we should or should not be doing there.
Professor Heinrich Applebaum, the military analyst of Seventeen magazine, has just written a book titled How to Fight the Vietnam War in the Living Room. It is the only book written for both doves and hawks, and I was happy to interview him about it.
"This war will not be won in the rice paddies of the Mekong Delta, but rather in the salons and renovated basements of the American home," Applebaum told me.
"How does one start a discussion on the Vietnam war?"
"The best way is to say, 'I agree we shouldn't have been there in the first place, but—' It's a perfect opener if you're a hawk, and it shows you're willing to concede that the government has made mistakes."
"And if you're a dove?"
"Your opening line should be: I'm not for just pulling out and leaving South Vietnam in the lurch, but—' This should prove to your listeners that you're a man of reason, and you're not going to get emotional about the issue."
"As a hawk, what should you do next?"
"Mention Munich, the domino theory, and our commitment to the free world, not necessarily in that order."
"And if you're a dove?"
"Talk about the stupidity of the French, the naivete of John Foster Dulles, and the right for people to have their own revolutions without outside interference from the United States."
"How do you follow it up?"
"You have to quote sources. If you're a hawk, you quote Joe Alsop, Bob Hope, Cardinal Spellman, Barry Goldwater, and Time magazine. If you're a dove, you refer to Walter Lipp-mann's last column, speeches by Senator Fulbright and Robert F. Kennedy, and testimony by General Gavin, Robert Lowell, and Joan Baez. Even if they didn't say something, you can always claim they did. No one in the living room is going to be able to check up on you."
"Don't you quote President Johnson, Secretary Dean Rusk, or Robert McNamara?"
"It's hardly worth it. Neither the hawks nor the doves believe anything the people in our government tell them."
"Outsiders always know more," I agreed.
"Now if you see the argument is running down, you can always refer to a book you read on Vietnam. People are very impressed with anyone in the crowd who has read a book, and it shows you've gone deeper into the subject than anyone else in the room."
"Any special book?"
"The best one is a title that no one has ever heard of, particularly if it's been written by someone with a foreign name. It will make the other side very mad, and he'll have to come up with a book of his own."
"It gets harder as you go along," I said.
"The important thing is to speak with authority and pretend to know what you're talking about."
"But suppose you lose the argument?"
"You can always punch the guy in the nose."
